THIS, UP HERE, IS WHAT I LOVE.
NOW LET'S REWIND A LITTLE: HOW I FOUND MY LOVE.
Even before the lockdown was imposed, my year began on a very low note. My job days were behind me. Thanks to the lockdown, it is now time to do the inner work which allows me to thrive in a new role at work.
A lot of decisions taken in bad taste happen to leave their scars in the form of frustration, tears and anger for a long long while. But when you do the work on yourself, you are not even aware how many of your frustrations stop bothering you.
As for my plight in 2019, 'pushing others away' is a correct analysis of my attitude which I had to work on.
Y'know...reading quotes, listening to sad songs, working out excessively...it will numb the pain but it will not help you sleep at night.
I had to get to the root of the problem. I needed to do a breakdown of every single thing that had gone wrong since secondary school + college: an overall experience that caused me pain six years straight. It was literally like a ceremony in which I burned my past into ashes. Here’s what I realised:
PEOPLE SAY THAT YOU NEED TO FIGURE OUT YOUR PATH IN SCHOOL OR COLLEGE. PEOPLE SAY WRONG.
Some people think that life gives us infinite opportunities almost every single day when we're young then why do some people struggle so much to 'choose' a path? What is the point, they ask? Why can't we just pick one and start walking? No, no, no...walk away from that discussion. If you are anything like me (a dictator of life) at a young age, you will not like anything the world has to say against you.
But I don't suggest that you carry hidden agendas against people. It will eat you up (read more below). I'm just saying that it is very rare for people to know anyone inside-out, let alone exactly what they want out of life. So whenever someone asks you why you're doing something that is out of the box, or tries to dissuade you from doing it, just remember that you ain't an ignorant mind. Don't leave your fate in someone else's hands. Smile, pray for their soul.
I made unconventional choices as a kid and I made one just weeks ago. Cooking. I ain't got regrets.
I was absorbed by the idea of cooking. I don't know why.
I have one helluva relationship with food. It comforted me when I was coiled up in misery, it cheered me on when I fought, it made me feel nauseous when I hurt myself, it made me feel on top of the world, too.
So delicious, so complicated, so completely unpredictable.
I did not exactly know how much of my life was shaped by my relationship with food, until 2020.
IT IS LIFE, MA CHERIE. YOU ONLY GET ONE.
If you have a love of something unconventional (caveat: nobody actually shows it in school or after graduating high school/college), you be you, 'cause everyone else is already taken.
Nurture your passion for what you love. I think one of the main reasons I took so long to find my passion was ‘cause I was always trying to fit in. I never brought myself out of my comfort zone. The sooner you get out of your comfort zone to follow your passion, the better it will be.
Start taking baby steps for now. It is going to bring you more joy than you had ever thought possible. But if you let the source of joy fester, trust me, it will not leave you any better off than before. Your friends might be around but people can only be there in spirit in your bad times.
I have realised that there are 5 people out of the 500 I have met in school and college who are going to stick with me. They know me in and out. Pick 5; they can most definitely be your family members, mentors or best friends. Your tribe, your extended family, your people. You're set.
It is upto you to start making yourself happy again. You deserves it, ma cherie!